a

I called Laurie's phone everyday this past week just so I can hear her voice. I still can't bring myself to gain any type of closure

Have you ever felt like you were just drifting further and further away from what is right and what you should be doing, but either don't care or don't want to do anything about it?

This is where I'm at right now...

here i go again

I should be sleeping right now. Its 330 am, I just fell asleep at 130. Cant sleep. Too Much on my mind. today is my last official day of work. In 20 measley hours I get in my car and never look back. No more NC for me. Home sweet home I come.

I packed all my stuff and 99% of it is sitting in my car. I used my comforter as a towel after my shower. This is deep.

Random Pic for you. I dont have to do this anymore!



time to face everything i ran away from 3 years ago. time to face everything i've pushed away. time to face life. time to Live life. Peace

nyc

Well I thought I would add some nonsense so everytime I looked at this, I would't see the same depressing post. Anyway, this past weekend was a 3 day holiday for us so I decided to go with my buddy to Jersey. We decided to hit up New York City while we were that. That was a site to see. I got to see Times Square, Grand Central, Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, the UN building, Empire State Building, and more. The most touching part was when we went to go see ground zero; where the World Trade Center towers used to be. It was surreal. Just walking around, I couldn't imagine what it would have been like to have been there and experienced the horrors that happened that. Since we were military, they opened up this little gate for us that had a memorial set up and a slightly better view. IT blew my mind. It's been almost 4 years... It was definately an eye opener and a good experience. Reminded me of what I was doing was not in vain.


one more week today...

So lately I've been listening to lots of different music and this particular line stuck out to me

"Have you ever felt this way before? 'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore. Take me to place where nothing's wrong and thanks for coming, shut the door...

And now I'm calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, 'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.

Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about"


It all became more real to me this past weekend. A soldier died this weekend. A soldier who didn't have to die. A soldier who was in my company. A solider I worked along side with for many months. A husband, a father, a leader, a solider. A soldier did who didn't have to. A soldier committed suicide... The third suicide in the past 3 months, the 4th death of someone I knew. He was once again the last person you'd suspect... I hate this. "Show me what this life is all about" Times like these I can't seem to find any hope. I just don't know what to do anymore. Show me what this life is all about, just show me, please.

"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rest,
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends"

Good weekend

So I actually have a lot to say. I really don't know what's going on with that, but here goes.


This weekend I learned or reaffifmed...

Rolling up the windows with your head sticking out of it is not a good idea.

It is wise to roll up your windows before getting into the car wash

No matter how hard you try to open your room door with your car alarm keypad, it won't work

I will never be able to escape Chicago traffic, even if I do leave at 5am

Chicago is the only place where if you drive 25 over the speed limit in a construction zone, you still better be in the slow/right lanes.

There are two major "laws" of the highway. #1 If you are in the right lane behind someone slow and you move over to pass them, they will always speed up. If you have someone tailgating you in the left lane and you pull over to the right, they will always slow down.

I have some really good friends that I sometimes take advantage of

Sometimes what you need to hear or see is clearly right in front of you, but sometimes im too stubborn to accept it

I accept things better when I know I don't have a choice



So this weekend I went home for a day to drop most of my big things home. I stayed til Saturday where I drove to Virginia Beach to meet some friends. Now this past week I've kind of been in and out grieving and such. On Sunday, I went to church. I think the first actual service I've been to in 3 years. I really didn't feel the urge to be there at all, but I am glad I did. The service was a Memorial Day Tribute and the message was on grieving and mourning the loss of someone you love. It was a much needed smack in the face, but I still dont know where I am or how I feel religion/church wise. This verse tho stuck out in my mind and somehow I remembered it

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace"

choices choices so many choices

Why does making a decison that affects your future have to be so hard to make? Maybe it's a decision that can change your whole life has something to do with it, who knows. Right now I am caught um between going to Harper and going to U of I. Both have their advantages and both have their drawbacks. For some strange reason U of I accepted me into their school, but I just got a letter saying that I won't be able to take the required courses for my freshmen year and that they don't recommend me taking the ones I can. Which=another year there. I think going there would be fun and part of the "college experience" but I don't want to waste an extra 10gs to go to a school that doesn't expect me to do well. I hate making tough choices like this. I have until June 1 to make my final decison so all you praying type out there, I would appreciate some right about now.

d

So yesterday I had to go see a specialized doctor and he found some possible "complications" They are pretty severe, but in my opinion it was just a somewhat rushed educated guess so I am not going to worry about it too much. I did however have to drop my EMT class today for several reasons. Number 1, I was put on some medication and I'm not supposed to drive at all. Number 2, I have a lot of upcoming appointments coming up and I'd miss too many classes. I really would have liked to stay in that class. I hate starting something and not being able to finish it even if it is beyond my control. Well, other than that, I have nothing more to say...

...

I realized last nite a few things on how much I take advantage of things. I take advantage my family. I take advantage of my friends. I take advantage of having a good meal everyday, having a roof over my head, having fresh water to drink, having a bed to rest in, all the clothes I have, the pointless electronics that I have, everything. It hit me so much harder because I know what it's like to not have any of that or be so far away. I wish I could realize to just be happy and appreciate all that I have, all that I don't need, and all the things that will be.




So today in EMT class we went over drowning victims...I really couldn't think of anything, but Laurie throughout the whole time. My teacher is well, I dont know how to explain it, but half way through her lecture she totally went, "if you're going to drown yourself make sure you do it in fresh water and cold water. The colder the water the better." It pissed me off and I could only just picture her, lying, lying motionless in the water. I miss you Laurie

72 72 72 72 72 72 72

I have a lot of good friends. Tho they piss me off A LOT, I have some good friends here. I think, I really do think that I am going to keep in good contact with them for the most part. One of my friends is trying to get me to get a job with him back in PA and another is trying to hook me up with a job with is brother in law in Jersey. I wish my good buddies didn't have to live so far away. They all live on the east coast, Vermont, PA, Jersey. I'm really excited to move on with my life. I really would just like to start working and living on my own, but I think college is best for me. I think it's a good learning/growing and necesary experience and getting a degree in something I don't ever probably need can be helpful in getting a good job. These next 2 months are just going to go by soo slow. So much stuff has to happen between now and then tho. I'm ready for it tho.

ahhhhh

Ahhh so another week almost done. 75 more days to go. I've really been thinking about dropping this class I am taking. It's nice to get away, but it is so time consuming and difficult. About midway through this week I think a little switch turned off in my head and I just stopped caring. I've still been doing ok tho gettin an 81 and an 83 on our first two big tests. Deep down I think it'll be hard for to accept the fact of maybe failing. If I try and fail would be a lot more painful or what not than if I "don't care" and don't try and fail. I hate being a failure.

wow

So this weekend was pretty good for me. A lot got done and a lot of things I came to realize. Friday for the most part I slept when we got off then played pool for a couple hours. Then just chilled out with a few guys I don't normally hang out with and called it a nite at about 230 or so. I would have gone to sleep but my freakin new room mate who's pissing me off kept me up til 430 in the morning. Then he had the courtest to wake me up early in the morning coming into my side of the room and moving my shit around which really pissed me off. There was a closet full of extra stuff and he just emptied it and left all the junk in the middle of our hallway. He already messed with my cable and now everything is fuzzy. He put random stuff all over my stuff. He just pisses me off and this is going to be a long 2 1/2 months for the both of us cause I play his games too. Whatever tho. So today we decided to get some mountain bikes and go riding. We went riding for about 4 hours or so. That was fun then we went to the park to play some frisbee golf and then some football. We played some more pool and then just hung out at the b's chilling. That was a good time, but my buddy passed out so I thought it would be a good time to call it a nite. Throughout the day tho my good buddies and I had some good talks. I mean like I really don't do this, but we talked about the "problems" and crap that we saw in each other. Let me tell ya that I don't deal with criticism too well, but it went pretty good and I'm glad I got to hear what they had to say. It's nice to sometimes get some stuff that you're holding in out and to hear things about yourself. Another down spot was one of my buddies said that his best friend commited suicide one year ago today...That just put a damper on things. It kind of made everything more real in that moment and time. Well I am done.

Another day

So a few days have passed since my last post. Not much has happened. This weekend I pretty much chilled in my room and ordered a bunch of pizzas. Most of my friends went up to PA and I need to save money so I just slumped around. Class has been going really slow. It's all been straight up lecture. I definately realized some problems I have with school. When I get frustrated or feel overwhelmed, I tend to get really pissed off. Today in class my teacher kept talking and talking and talking and I was getting so annoyed because I know that everything was going to be on our quiz the next day so I got madder and madder and completely shut her out. Yes I realize this isn't the best way to deal with frustration, but I tend to do it. I did it in my calc class also and that didn't help. I just hate not being able to quickly grasp things and I mostly hate not understanding things. Which makes dealing with the loss of Laurie that much harder. Sometimes I just feel guilty not feeling sorrow and other times I feel guilty for feeling bad because we did lose touch. I think I've learned to accept the fact that I will never see her again, but in all honesty I don't think I have yet come to terms with the circumstances surrounding her death. It's been just over a month. It feels like such a long time ago that I stared blankly into a plastic mummy that resembled her. Almost everyday I see her smiling face and I hear her laugh in my head and it makes me smile. I miss her...

New thing

So I'm creating this for me as a new thing. I got a 100% of our first exam which was pretty easy and I did really good on the CPR certification test. So I guess now I am CPR certified. Class has actually been somewhat fun, but next week we are starting with the book...Anyways, things have been pretty good. My friend told me that this world is all about feelings. Something good happens to us, we feel good, we are happy. Something bad happens to us, we feel bad, we get depressed. I can totally see how that is me. I let how I feel in that exact moment affect me that whole day. I let the little things get to me. It's hard for me to be happy even at the end up the day or week if say in the beginning of the week I got yelled at or something else bad happens. I need to learn to let go of simple unimportant things like that. That way I can be who I really want to be.

Only 86 more days left. The time is actually going by pretty quick. The less I think about it, the faster time goes. I can't wait to be done and move on with my life. I really actually am looking forward to working 2 jobs over the summer. And I am greatly looking forward to school and yet dreading it at the same time. Such a big step, but I am ready for it. I doubt a lot yes, but I know deep down that this is where and what I need to be doing at this current time. Maybe it will change next semester or next year, but U of I, is where I need to be. I'm glad that I am realizing this because it's such a relief and I hate worrying.