d

So yesterday I had to go see a specialized doctor and he found some possible "complications" They are pretty severe, but in my opinion it was just a somewhat rushed educated guess so I am not going to worry about it too much. I did however have to drop my EMT class today for several reasons. Number 1, I was put on some medication and I'm not supposed to drive at all. Number 2, I have a lot of upcoming appointments coming up and I'd miss too many classes. I really would have liked to stay in that class. I hate starting something and not being able to finish it even if it is beyond my control. Well, other than that, I have nothing more to say...

...

I realized last nite a few things on how much I take advantage of things. I take advantage my family. I take advantage of my friends. I take advantage of having a good meal everyday, having a roof over my head, having fresh water to drink, having a bed to rest in, all the clothes I have, the pointless electronics that I have, everything. It hit me so much harder because I know what it's like to not have any of that or be so far away. I wish I could realize to just be happy and appreciate all that I have, all that I don't need, and all the things that will be.




So today in EMT class we went over drowning victims...I really couldn't think of anything, but Laurie throughout the whole time. My teacher is well, I dont know how to explain it, but half way through her lecture she totally went, "if you're going to drown yourself make sure you do it in fresh water and cold water. The colder the water the better." It pissed me off and I could only just picture her, lying, lying motionless in the water. I miss you Laurie

72 72 72 72 72 72 72

I have a lot of good friends. Tho they piss me off A LOT, I have some good friends here. I think, I really do think that I am going to keep in good contact with them for the most part. One of my friends is trying to get me to get a job with him back in PA and another is trying to hook me up with a job with is brother in law in Jersey. I wish my good buddies didn't have to live so far away. They all live on the east coast, Vermont, PA, Jersey. I'm really excited to move on with my life. I really would just like to start working and living on my own, but I think college is best for me. I think it's a good learning/growing and necesary experience and getting a degree in something I don't ever probably need can be helpful in getting a good job. These next 2 months are just going to go by soo slow. So much stuff has to happen between now and then tho. I'm ready for it tho.

ahhhhh

Ahhh so another week almost done. 75 more days to go. I've really been thinking about dropping this class I am taking. It's nice to get away, but it is so time consuming and difficult. About midway through this week I think a little switch turned off in my head and I just stopped caring. I've still been doing ok tho gettin an 81 and an 83 on our first two big tests. Deep down I think it'll be hard for to accept the fact of maybe failing. If I try and fail would be a lot more painful or what not than if I "don't care" and don't try and fail. I hate being a failure.

wow

So this weekend was pretty good for me. A lot got done and a lot of things I came to realize. Friday for the most part I slept when we got off then played pool for a couple hours. Then just chilled out with a few guys I don't normally hang out with and called it a nite at about 230 or so. I would have gone to sleep but my freakin new room mate who's pissing me off kept me up til 430 in the morning. Then he had the courtest to wake me up early in the morning coming into my side of the room and moving my shit around which really pissed me off. There was a closet full of extra stuff and he just emptied it and left all the junk in the middle of our hallway. He already messed with my cable and now everything is fuzzy. He put random stuff all over my stuff. He just pisses me off and this is going to be a long 2 1/2 months for the both of us cause I play his games too. Whatever tho. So today we decided to get some mountain bikes and go riding. We went riding for about 4 hours or so. That was fun then we went to the park to play some frisbee golf and then some football. We played some more pool and then just hung out at the b's chilling. That was a good time, but my buddy passed out so I thought it would be a good time to call it a nite. Throughout the day tho my good buddies and I had some good talks. I mean like I really don't do this, but we talked about the "problems" and crap that we saw in each other. Let me tell ya that I don't deal with criticism too well, but it went pretty good and I'm glad I got to hear what they had to say. It's nice to sometimes get some stuff that you're holding in out and to hear things about yourself. Another down spot was one of my buddies said that his best friend commited suicide one year ago today...That just put a damper on things. It kind of made everything more real in that moment and time. Well I am done.

Another day

So a few days have passed since my last post. Not much has happened. This weekend I pretty much chilled in my room and ordered a bunch of pizzas. Most of my friends went up to PA and I need to save money so I just slumped around. Class has been going really slow. It's all been straight up lecture. I definately realized some problems I have with school. When I get frustrated or feel overwhelmed, I tend to get really pissed off. Today in class my teacher kept talking and talking and talking and I was getting so annoyed because I know that everything was going to be on our quiz the next day so I got madder and madder and completely shut her out. Yes I realize this isn't the best way to deal with frustration, but I tend to do it. I did it in my calc class also and that didn't help. I just hate not being able to quickly grasp things and I mostly hate not understanding things. Which makes dealing with the loss of Laurie that much harder. Sometimes I just feel guilty not feeling sorrow and other times I feel guilty for feeling bad because we did lose touch. I think I've learned to accept the fact that I will never see her again, but in all honesty I don't think I have yet come to terms with the circumstances surrounding her death. It's been just over a month. It feels like such a long time ago that I stared blankly into a plastic mummy that resembled her. Almost everyday I see her smiling face and I hear her laugh in my head and it makes me smile. I miss her...

New thing

So I'm creating this for me as a new thing. I got a 100% of our first exam which was pretty easy and I did really good on the CPR certification test. So I guess now I am CPR certified. Class has actually been somewhat fun, but next week we are starting with the book...Anyways, things have been pretty good. My friend told me that this world is all about feelings. Something good happens to us, we feel good, we are happy. Something bad happens to us, we feel bad, we get depressed. I can totally see how that is me. I let how I feel in that exact moment affect me that whole day. I let the little things get to me. It's hard for me to be happy even at the end up the day or week if say in the beginning of the week I got yelled at or something else bad happens. I need to learn to let go of simple unimportant things like that. That way I can be who I really want to be.

Only 86 more days left. The time is actually going by pretty quick. The less I think about it, the faster time goes. I can't wait to be done and move on with my life. I really actually am looking forward to working 2 jobs over the summer. And I am greatly looking forward to school and yet dreading it at the same time. Such a big step, but I am ready for it. I doubt a lot yes, but I know deep down that this is where and what I need to be doing at this current time. Maybe it will change next semester or next year, but U of I, is where I need to be. I'm glad that I am realizing this because it's such a relief and I hate worrying.